How to Find What You Want From Work, Relationships, and Life (15 Personal Lessons series)

Some of you know that I am working part-time on a web-based education startup called Best Delegate. One of the reasons why I am working on the site is to help learn more about myself. I share a similar sentiment that my business partner Ryan has: “Twenty-somethings like me struggle with the question, ‘What do I want from my work, my relationships, and my life?’”

I had previously alluded to the need to properly deal with the Twenty-Something Life or Quarterlife Crisis in my post from Mini-Retirement. (1) It is important to find what we want from work, relationships, and life. If we do not sufficiently address them, work can be unfulfilling, relationships can be superficial or deteriorated, and life can be pretty hollow.

We talk a lot about a concept called “framing” at Best Delegate – how to frame your topic, how to frame your speech – so that people can turn a complex situation into manageable issues. (2) I believe we can also frame our approach to the Twenty-Something Life or Quarter-life Crisis and find what we want from work, relationships, and life. Here are several ideas to help find what you want in each:

How to Find What You Want From Work

 

 

3. Know your core motivations. Alternatively, this could be phrased as: what motivates your pursuits in life, what drives you to succeed, or what do you wish money could buy? Core motivations could be to: be creative, conquer challenges, have stability in life, bring about meaningful change, help or teach others, become the best professionally or personally, be recognized or respected, have ownership over something, live your ideal lifestyle, etc. Know the reason for why you want to work. Those who are misguided will pursue fame, fortune, power, and prestige without understanding why and consequently will still be unfulfilled despite seeming to be successful.

4. Pursue your passions. We forgot about our passions because we were told we could only settle into normal, defined (boxed-in) career tracks after graduation. But we did not even think about how we could monetize or make a career out of things that we enjoy and were already doing. It takes some brainstorming and some risk-taking, but I believe if you pursue what you’re really passionate about and good at, the money will come. Also, work should be so fun that it doesn’t feel like work. I stay up late working on Best Delegate because I have fun when I get on a creative streak.

5. Make life your classroom. Create experiential learning opportunities for yourself that will help you find what you like and what you can be good at. If you already know, then try it since it may cost nothing to beta test a career.  Don’t be afraid to dip your feet into something you’re curious about and learn from the experience.  I’ve learned so much working at Best Delegate just by experimenting and addressing questions as they came up.

6. Don’t put limits on yourself. We often think where we can go based off where we are now, but what we should be really thinking about is where we really want to be and how we can get there. Too often we undersell ourselves by boxing ourselves into titles, being deterred by requirements, and not taking the risk to try something unfamiliar. Instead, we should be pursuing what we really want to do and marketing our personal values/qualities, experiences, and transferable skills to get there. I wrote an article for the Japan Exchange and Teaching Program (JET) on the latter that can be found here.

How to Find What You Want from Relationships

 

 

7. Care generously. We want people to care about us and vice versa. How you want people to go about doing this is what needs to be figured out. Start with generosity as human interaction is two-way and generosity can be reciprocated.  Generosity can be about giving time and money (or things you buy), but there’s more to that. Being considerate, providing for someone’s emotional needs, and giving someone your undivided attention are some of the many ways to show that you care.

8. Know your emotional needs. We subconsciously place expectations on friends and loved ones to be a source of a certain emotional feeling. Think about what feelings you need your significant other/spouse, your family, your friends, and eventually your kids to provide. Is it happiness, comfort, laughter, pride, or love? Equally important, do you know what type of feeling you are “expected” to provide to those you love? Knowing this will help keep each other emotionally fulfilled and prevent disappointment.

9. Align values, goals, and expectations. We want people who will understand us – where we came from, who we are (and why), and what we want to do or be. More important, we want them to support us in our endeavors and decisions. The closer you are with someone, the more these need to be aligned. The problem for Twenty-Somethings is that fluctuation of some of these aspects creates tiny fractures in relationships that are not easily recognizable until it is too late. It’s essential to continually reflect and realign to ensure that both sides in a relationship are consciously headed in the same direction.

How to Find What You Want from Life

 

 

10. Discover the type of experiences that excite you. What do you want to experience beyond the daily routine? This could be novelty, adventure, indulgence, winning, etc. From my travel experiences, I know that a fulfilling trip isn’t just about sightseeing and visiting the destination. For me, I always have more fun when there is some novelty mixed into it, whether that is trying something different (e.g. Turkish baths in Hungary or ziplining in Costa Rica) or meeting a new friend.

11. Think production and contribution. Many of us were taught to be results-oriented or to leave something for the greater good of your community. That’s exactly what we should be focusing our non-professional creative energies on – on producing something or contributing something. Resist going through the motions and doing with no end goal in mind. We’re much more satisfied when we have something to show for our efforts or have something to work towards. For example, I feel compelled to upload a photo album on Facebook after every time I travel because that is my artistic production from my trip.

12. Enjoy a slower pace. It allows you to unplug and appreciate the more simple things in life. Perhaps you will recognize that you are rich in many things besides money, time, and generosity, such as the ability to admire natural beauty or be at peace on a nice day. More important, it allows you to focus on yourself and makes for ideal times for self-reflection on what you want in life or what you want your life’s purpose to be.

13. Think bigger. Don’t get hung up on the little things. I’ve realized everyone has certain things that bother them or drive their lives into perceived mini-crises, but it’s really not worth it to get frustrated or panic over these little things in life. To borrow a concept from my friend, just ask yourself if it will matter a week from now (or even a month from now) before pouring out so much negative energy. Instead, redirect that energy to positivity and to think about the big picture.

14. Travel. I mentioned in Mini-Retirement that traveling is a mechanism for discovering what you want in life. But it can offer much more than that. Read a link that my friend Manoje sent me – the 50 Most Inspiring Travel Quotes. It’ll get you thinking.

15. Decide how will you measure your life. I drew some of my inspiration for this post from an article I read in the Harvard Business review. It’s a good read and covers which metrics you should judge by when deciding what you want out of work, relationships, and life. You can read the article here.

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I do not intend for these tips to be conclusive nor comprehensive as I am still going through the Twenty-Something life myself and have much more to experience and learn about. In fact, I recently borrowed from a friend the actual book The Quarterlife Crisis by Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner and I think reading it will help me frame some of these issues even better.

-KFC